The Canoe Tripper
Which describes you on a trip?
Which describes you on a trip?
Flatulent Fred: Who gasses out the start of a portage with a massive release caused by a Harvest Foodworks curry dish. I mean, we’re outside… how can anyone be that toxic?
Tipsy McSwagger: who can’t manage more than an inch of water in the cook pot from tips and spills on the way back to the campsite from the shore.
Lord of the Manor Lyle: Whose tent is so big you feel like a tenant farmer in yours. And he still manages to drape, prop and dump his equipment all over the site!
Day One Dan: Who does his carefully calculated share of the chores in the first day and then waits and watches as others catch up.
Hypochondriac Harry: Every scratch turned into gangrene; every noise in the dark a bear with rabies. He boiled his water for half an hour to kill bacteria and parasites, but still had giardia cramps the entire trip.
Whining Wilbert: "Aren't we there YET" ..."how much longer", " this canoe is too tippy and its too slow" "you keep leaving me behind".
Fashion Show Freddie: Who has all the best and most expensive gear and just loves to talk all about all his shiny new stuff, while pointing out whats wrong with my old canoe and assortment of other battered and bruised items. Sometimes seen on a portage, snickering as I struggle past. Oddly enough, every year I overtake Freddy on the portage while he fiddles and adjusts things to make it easier(?) to portage.
Floral Flora: Scared of the dark and / or bush. Leaves the perimeter of campsites littered with white 'flowers' and other undesirable offerings even when there is a perfectly good thunder box just down the trail.
Clean Carl: Has to shave and have a bath daily. Not a bad thing but rinsing all his soap off in the water immediately in front of camp is.
Mr. Type A: Always trying to organize the perfect trip.
Garbage Bag George: Who packs "all" his gear in thin cheap plastic bags.
Bugged out Betty: Freaks at any insects around and constantly whines about bites...like we all need to be reminded that we are getting eaten alive!
Where did it go Willie: the guy who can never find his mug or flashlight (that he just had in his hand) or his TP or his plate etc. And he can't find them cause he just leaves all his stuff lying around and then forgets where he left it or it is dark. Of course...he borrows yours and them loses it!
Burn-it-all Bob: This is the guy who loves a raging fire and towards the end of the evening throws on ALL the wood you scavenged so there is not so much as a stick left for the morning fire.
Phantom-Paddle Phil: Whose stroke rate matches yours, but as for water displaced, it consisted of placing the blade in the water and allowing the forward motion of the boat to move the blade towards the stern.
Tip-it-in Tim: Who has to launch boulders/logs/ rocks down the edge of whatever cliff you are sitting on, so that all the wildlife within a 40 km radius is silent or gone by the time the echoes die down.
Early-Morning Earl: Who has to rattle around in the pots etc while it is still dark outside so he can have that morning java ready before its really morning.
Loud-Laugh Lenny: Who is always in the next site across the lake, and who can't discuss any topic without braying his irritating laugh like a donkey so that everyone on the lake can hear.
Cagey Camper: Who knows the duty roster off by heart. They can tell you who did what on which day - back five days and forward six. But the odd thing is - it's never their turn to do anything, it’s always somebody else’s.
Beer bottle Bob: He really likes beer, you meet him on the portage trying to make it across with 24 beers in the bottom of a sleeping bag slung over his shoulder, only to find there’s no way to keep it cold, then wishing he was British before giving up.
Gear Junky Jim: Always has the nicest and latest gear, but has absolutely no experience or know-how to use it! But he always looks good in photos.
Coffee Cal: Has to make his coffee as soon as he gets into camp. Makes only enough for him, and then of course has to drink and savour it real slooooooowwwwwwww, while camp is being set up and dinner is being made. Of course he never notices, even when told directly.
Buck Naked Ned: Alienates all other trippers on the route by being au natural as much as possible. Blissfully unaware of double entendres when asking other parties to join yours for a lunch. "Want some sausage and bagels?" He says while wearing nothing but a hat?
Raging Ronny: Totally out of control when they get mad; throwing packs and gear around on the portage and then later wondering "Gee this pot has a big dent in it. I wonder how that happened?"
Sour Puss Paul: If the slightest thing doesn't go their way...the rest of the trip is ruined...for everyone.
Fisherman Freddie: The one who does nothing around camp but has time to fish from dawn to dusk.
Lippy Louie: The one who keeps talking even when there is wildlife to view, never shuts up when relaxing by the fire.
Snag Boy Bobber: The one who is always decorating the surrounding trees for Christmas with his lures.
Photography Pete: We all love pictures, but photography Pete brings SLR + backup, 30 lbs of lenses and accessories, and will be busy getting a picture of a yellow billed Canadian prairie chicken instead of paddling.
Tired Tom: You've made breakfast and packed everything but the tent and his sleeping bag by the time he rolls out at 10am. See also Al Khaholic and Lonnie the Lolligagger. I may fall into this category occasionally. It is vacation after all!
Al Khaholic: Makes a habit of imbibing a little to much, and all your meals to/from the put in have to be at liquor serving establishments.
Forgetful Fred: You're bringing the stove, right Fred? You end up cooking over campfires. You always bring the really important items when going with this person.
Lonnie the Lolligagger: You tell Lonnie to meet at your house at 10:00 to leave. You tell everyone else 10:30, and he's still the last one to roll in.
Charlie Cheapskate: You get this, and we'll settle up later, right? Or, Well yeah you drove, gassed up and its your canoe, but I bought Tim Horton's on the way up! You think back to him grimacing when you got a large coffee instead of a medium.
Experienced Eric: 2 different types - Offers unwanted/unwarranted advice, and dumping or grounding is always your fault. "you should use a modified semi-J stroke and we would have cleared that hidden rock", OR "yeah I have paddled blah blah". Runs you up against a rock in class 1, and then dumps you with a perfect upstream lean.
Toilet Ted: The one who has to go to the washroom when you look his way to help with any chore.
Starvin Marvin: Checks the food barrel with increasing frequency as the trip progresses and becomes increasingly aware of (your!) portion size with each passing meal.
Boris Boolsheet: The guy who comes on the trip based solely on his professed years of backcountry experience and expertise. Only too late will you discover that his years of backcountry experience all took place 30 years ago in camp Sog-Ghee-Can-Vas, and that he is expert only in exaggeration.
Mal Lodgement: Mal tires quickly and wants to stop at the first place that he deems a “good place to camp” – this could be a dank, swamp-like bog area with no dry ground, mosquito hell or the side of a steep, rocky hill. Mal wouldn’t recognize a good campsite if one bit him in the arse, and the idea of paddling around the next bend or point to see if there is something better is anathema, Mal will go no further.
Talkative Tessie: has never heard a bird sing, the breeze in the treetops or a distant loon call. Mostly because Tessie has never stopped talking. Tessie can spend 45 minutes blathering on and on about some minutia in her life – a brake job on her car, her redecoration plans, her annoying coworkers (just imagine how they feel). The urge to whack Tessie in the head with your paddle is almost overwhelming.
Hopeful Hank: "Let's just go a little further, their could be a better site ahead" he says as you pass a site with sandy beach, flowing well, just enough onshore breeze to keep bugs down, & firewood the previous tenants left. You end up spending the night in a bug filled swamp on the only piece of land six inches above the water table for miles.
Tippling Tim: Has to stop at every Tim Horton's on the way to the put in, and after you take out, always looking for that last perfect cup of coffee. The only problem is, 30 minutes later he has to pee again, and therefore demands another Tim’s. After he empties, of course he fills up again!
Battling Bob: everyone is packed up and ready to go, and he has to clean out and sort his wallet, empty his entire pack looking for a safety pin, etc. It is a battle to get him on the water at any time, when everyone else is ready!
Gus Gottagetback: Says he can make the 3 day trip but then when he shows up he mentions about and hour into the trip that he has to be back early the last day forcing the rest of the trip to be rushed.
Phil Foodsucks: The guy that looks at the food you've prepared, packed and cooked for the large group and complains. Of course the same guy doesn't offer to carry anything other than his paddle, thermarest and sleeping bag on the portage, doesn't offer to help cook or do dishes.
Soggy Sam: The guy with the tent that leaks and inadequate rain gear. This wouldn't seem as bad if he hadn't shown up on the last trip with the same collection of cheap, crappy or poorly maintained gear. Usually found in camp holding a pair of charred socks (his only pair) over the fire on a stick.
Ted Trustfund: Ted has the best of everything. Carbon fiber-kevlar canoe, graphite paddle, four-season tent that cost more than my car.
Update: I found the source of the list on the myccr.com forums. It was written by a group of forum participants folks several years ago. It's an 8 page thread so read through it and see how the conversation went!
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